Post.Christmas.Program.Reflections

Here are things that invariably happen at *every* church produced Christmas program:
1. Like an unstoppable contagion, the under-5 kids wave at their parents. The parents gush and wave back, only to restart the entire process over again. This waving goes on until the under-5 portion of the program is over.
2. A little girl in the front row, wearing a velvet, maroon dress, proceeds to lift it over her head intermittently throughout the entire program. She sways whilst she does this for no apparent reason at all.
3. The youngest kids forget a majority of the poem/song they are to recite, probably from all of the excitement from waving, until one kid (my nephew) remembers his line and shouts it above all others. The friends of the child's parents turn with a thumb up, smile at the parents, and mouth "that's yours!!!"
4. Grandpa falls asleep, son in law jabs him in the gut with robust pleasure
5. Disaffected father types on his blackberry until he realizes that everyone around him is standing and clapping at the close of the program. In an attempt to recover for his inattentiveness, stands up and begins to clap louder than everyone else, indicating if only to his wife that he was, in fact, a negligent audience member. Disaffected father proceeds to spend the night on the couch, warmed by the luminescent glow of his digital companion.
6. Nephew turns to uncle and says to him "I have to poo-poo," uncle hands nephew to nearest closer relative to take care of the job.
7. Parents stumble over one another to take pictures of these precious moments. People sitting closest to the aisle ponder tripping them as they walk past.
8. Pastor makes an insecure joke about how the kids draw more of a crowd than he does. The audience laughs because they think he is really joking, when is not, after all.
9. The phrase "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" and every other gimmicky correlative is recited more times than can be counted.
10. Littlest kids resort to singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus because they can remember that, and they do it very well.
11. The phrase "wasn't that just wonderful" is recited more times than can be counted.
12. There is a live reenactment of Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. They just stand there as the kids sing about them. No lines, nothing. They look awkward and once their job is done, they return to their seats, or somewhere else they belong. They stare down at the sometimes live baby for an inordinate amount of time.
13. The shepherds do something obnoxious with their staffs, whether it is hit one another with them or play air guitar
14. A fat child with a terrible voice gets a solo because it is Christmas after all. Son in law tries not to laugh, but cannot help it because the child sings with such focused intensity. some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this, after all.
15. A pre-pubescent boy sings a song in a vocal range that makes the girls think he is one of them. He also looks awkward.
16. We all talk about what role our kid, or kids we know, will play next year. This always leads to a reflection on what role your kids used to play. Son in law contemplates running into traffic.
17. Cameras are misplaced because someone else always has a better shot that you just must have.
18. Cute niece dances during all of the songs. Well, she bends her knees and flails her arms, which is a smoother dance than most who admire her could accomplish.
19. Pastor gifts are given. Pastor attempts to deflect the attention, but cannot help himself. He hugs his wife affectionately, smiles obnoxiously, and makes a non-verbal gesture back to the kids. He even invites them to lead the final song. Secretly, he wishes that the present was monetary rather than a bad floral arrangement that he will likely throw away before the week is over.
20. The program is too long for toddlers who are all asleep on parents, or other affiliates shoulders, as they make their way to the exit.